We’d been dating for about nine months when our first Valentine’s Day finally rolled around and I was living in my tiny little bachelor apartment at the time.  I had spent my morning out on one of my training runs and when I came home, I found that Steve – my perfect Valentine – had cleaned and organized my apartment from top to bottom {complete with Hersey kisses!}!  That was it…at that moment!  That was the moment that I realized that I could spent the rest of my life with this man, because this was a man who understood that a clean kitchen trumps chocolate and flowers any day of the week!!

Organization {including cleanliness}, for me, equals mental clarity.  Call me crazy, but careful observation has taught me that my mental state has a direct correlation to the state of my physical surroundings.  Anarchy in one place usually means anarchy in the other.  So having my boyfriend take matters into his own hands for the sake of my mental sanity definitely became the most romantic gesture I could have asked for.  Then…now…ever!

And sure enough, he did become the man that I would spend my life with.  We got engaged that summer…married the following August and two days ago, celebrated nearly a decade of Valentine’s Days by being curled up on the couch watching Crazy Stupid Love and eating ice cream {a close second to house cleaning on the awesome scale!}!

I get that a lot of people find this holiday to be rather cliche…that when you’re in love, every day should be Valentine’s Day…blah blah blah.  And for the most part, I agree!  But the thing of it is…that stuff happens…life happens.  And when it does, it becomes easy to forget about the gift that is our spouse…our partners…our loves.  This is kind of the nature of every day life, after all; you get busy being busy and the small things {the appreciation of it all} gets lost in making the bed…driving the carpool…paying the bills.

This is why I rather enjoy a day dedicated entirely to stopping and smelling the ridiculously expensive roses with the ones we love.  I like the romance of it all…the grand gestures that it inspires…and the act of remembering that for all its challenges…love really is all you need.

As I was thinking about all of the Valentine’s Days that my husband and I have spent together…I realized that as corny as it may sound; I don’t think that I have actually ever loved my husband more than I do right now…at this time in our life together.  While it’s true that the romance that comes with being in a new relationship is over and the time spent just being together has been sucked up by our rather young children…being in this place in our relationship also means that we haven’t just fallen in love with each other…we have experienced love for each other.  We have gone through the good days and the bad days.  We’ve endured health scares and family stresses.  We had two beautiful children together and share our days learning how to raise them.  We’ve traveled and seen the world together, and we’ve also endured the slow, boring times that come with constant routine.  We’ve changed jobs, started businesses and paid excessive amounts of student loans.  But most importantly, we’ve built a life together…we’ve experienced a life together…and we enjoy a life together.

To me, this is something worth celebrating.  It’s worth taking a day to recognize that sharing your life with someone is – in fact – one of life’s most precious blessings.  It’s beautiful at some times and tedious at others.  But it’s always worth it!  It’s worth the time…it’s worth the energy…and yes, it’s also worth the brutally overpriced flowers!

Though we had a very limited amount of time together as a couple this year…that too, was worth it, because most of it was spent with this little one…the little lady that made our hearts grow two sizes bigger on the day that she was born…the little love that has become our newest Valentine…

1.) Given Name:
~ Genevieve Victoria {Genevieve is gaelic for White Wave and Victoria was my grandmother’s name}

2.) Childhood Nickname:
~ Gen with a “G”, Genygirl, YaYa {don’t ask!!!}

3.) Height:
~ Five foot eight {with the majority of that being legs!}

4.) Eyes:
~ Someone once told me that they are the mirror of the soul. In that case, mine have a hazel tinge to them!!

5.) Hair colour and style:
~ Dark, thick, turning more gray by the minute and often falls victim to people’s fetishes!

6.) Anything that you’re especially self-conscious of?
~ My smile! In grade ten a guy made a comment about my smile and I’ve been very self-conscious of it ever since.

7.) Favorite fictional character:
~ Carrie Bradshaw from “Sex & the City” and Richard Parker from “The Life of Pi” {both of which have rather “feline” qualities!!!}

8.) What do you remember most about this year?
~ December 9th, 2011…the birth of our daughter!

9.) What do you think about Ouija boards?
~ I think that it’s probably more interesting to converse with the living instead of the dead!!!

10.) Favorite T.V. show:
~ Sex & the City {really, what’s not to love?!}

11.) What’s on your mouse pad?
~ A mouse! {is that a trick question?!?}

12.) Do you believe in yourself?
~ That’s really a matter of timing in my world! Anyone who has ever experienced a truly bad hair day should understand!!!!!

13.) What are you most determined to accomplish?
~ I’m going to finish and publish my book one day. It may not be a good book and there may not be another soul who ever reads it…but I am determined to make a contribution to the literary world in due time.

14.) What would be your list of “Top 5 makeout songs”
~ {in no particular order!} I’ll Keep Your Memory Vague by Finger Eleven ~ Disarm by Smashing Pumpkins ~ Creep by Stone Temple Pilots ~ It’s Been a While by Staind ~ The Red by Chevelle ~ With or Without You by U2 ~ Save Yourself by Sense Field ~ Destiny by Zero 7 ~ Witness by Sarah McLachlan ~ Fine Again by Seether…I could probably go on for quite a while here, so we’ll just call it quits with my top ten songs!! Anyone else got any good ones?

15.) Favorite sound:
~ This will sound so cliche…but my children laughing!  It’s seriously the greatest sound I’ve ever heard!

16.) What’s the worst feeling in the world?
~ Feeling lonely {a broken heart is a pretty close second though}.

17.) What’s the best feeling in the world?
~ Being in love and feeling inspired.

18.) Favorite band:
~ David Usher, Our Lady Peace, Three Doors Down, Coldplay, Linkin Park, Finger Eleven…and the musical stylings of my husband when he decides that breakfast just can’t be made in silence!!!

19.) Where do you see yourself in ten years?
~ Having learned a lot more about myself.

20.) What’s the first thing you thought of when you woke up this morning?
~ “Seriously…didn’t I just go to bed twenty minutes ago?!?!”

21.) Do you get motion sickness?
~ Depends on the night before!!

22.) The nicest thing anyone’s ever done for me was…
~ Asked me to marry them!

23.) Thunderstorms–cool or scary?
~ I used to think that they were incredibly romantic however, in my old age, I have come to not like them so much anymore! I mean really…what’s so romantic about getting struck down by lightning anyway?!?!

24.) Name one thing that you’re really good at.
~ Eating chocolate fondue!!!

25.) What is your zodiac sign?
~ Cancer {the only zodiac lucky enough to be named after a terminal illness!}

26.) What do you wear to bed?
~ A smile!!

27.) What’s playing on your iPod:
~ What isn’t playing on my iPod?!?!

28.) What never fails to cheer you up?
~ Watching my husband with our kids…Starbucks with my girlfriends…buying a new book…chocolate cake…writing…hearing the words ‘I love you!’…Sunday mornings!

29.) Three most influencial books:
~ Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert…A Million Little Pieces by James Frey…The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren

30.) What’s your favorite quote?
~ “Hope has two beautiful daughters; anger and courage. Anger at the way things are, and courage to change them.” – St. Augustine of Hippo
~ “There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different than the things we do.” – Freya Stark

31.) Have you ever been in love?
~ Still am!

32.) Is the glass half empty or half full?
~ If the glass were filled with the finest Chilean red wine…then would it really matter?

33.) What is your biggest pet peeve?
~ Weak hand shakes, automated voice messaging and wisdom teeth!

34.) When you first look at a guy/girl, you notice…
~ Whether or not it’s my husband!!

35.) What’s the single thing you would want if you were a stranded on a desert island?
~ Umm…a boat!!! {and perhaps the complete series of “Lost” just to keep things interesting!!!}

36.) What could you never live without?
~ Love, hope, faith, charity and my flattening iron!

37.) What is your addiction of choice?
~ The York Street Spa, Starbucks, strawberry season and Gap commercials!

38.) What’s the best gift you’ve ever received?
~ A second chance.

39.) What’s the one thing you know to be true?
~ “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” ~ 1 Cor. 13:4

40.) What’s the most frustrating thing ever?
~ Hearing fireworks but not being able to see them…

41.) When the going gets tough…?
~ The tough gets reminded that I’m a marathon runner…and after 42.2 kilometres…everything else is easy!!!

42.) What’s more important…that the spirit runs quick or that the spirit runs deep?
~ As a runner, what matters most to me is that the spirit runs!

43.) What is the biggest lesson that you’ve learned?
~ Over the past few years, through different situations, I’ve learned just how much of our lives are shaped by those who love us and by those who refuse to love us. However, more importantly, I also learned that those who do love us more than make up for those who don’t.

Photo credit: Ewan Phelan, www.lastfortypercent.com

I remember the first time that I ever saw you; You had the most beautiful features that I’d ever seen.  You stopped crying as soon as I held you in my arms and in that moment, I felt like I was placed on this earth to be your mother.  I remember the first time that you smiled at me; You were lying on the couch while I was editing photos of you.  I looked down at you and you gave me the cutest little grin that made my heart melt on the spot.  I remember the first time I had to leave you for the day to shoot a wedding; I thought I was going to break in half because I missed you so much.  I remember the time that we spent an entire afternoon under a big tree;  You spent forty minutes laughing as the leaves blew in the wind and I spent that time thinking you were the most amazing little boy I had ever laid eyes on.  I remember your first Halloween and how much you hated being dressed in your lion costume.  But I also remember your second Halloween when you went door-to-door trying to give everyone else candy!  I remember the first time you crawled…the first time you walked…the first time you talked {you said ‘mama’}…and I remember the look of pride that you had on your face when you accomplished each of these things.  I remember when you were sick during your first Christmas and you stayed curled up on my lap for days until you got better.  I remember when you would run down the hall to give me kiss for no reason at all and I remember how it felt when you would tuck your head into my chest when you were tired.  I remember the day before Avery was born and I was lying the floor trying to alleviate some of the discomfort she was causing…you came and laid down next to me with your head on my shoulder.  I remember how you stretched out your arms as I left for the hospital the next morning.  I remember it all…

I know that these aren’t things that you will ever be able to look back on because you’re so young…but I do.  And not only am I looking back, but I’m clinging to every fiber of these beautiful moments because – right now – things seem exceptionally hard for the two of us.

Eight weeks ago, I left for awhile so that I could bring your sister home…and I feel like you haven’t quite forgiven me for it yet.  It feels like we spend our days fighting now…the toddler in you…the parent in me….going head to head for hours at a time.  And it’s hard.  Really hard.  You have my stubbornness…your daddy’s intensity…and a strong will that is all your own.  It is that will that is making me spend each day feeling less and less deserving of being your mother.  It is that will that causes me to fear that, even now – at the young age of twenty-two months – I have failed you already; that my actions {or lack thereof} have caused this beast to be unleashed inside of you…a beast that isn’t terribly fond of me right now.  Sometimes I feel like our collective tears could fill an ocean at this point.

Where once there was peace…there is now a war zone as we both battle it out in an attempt to find our way in this new terrain.  When you spend all day screaming at me…I often want to scream back at you {and sometimes I do}.  When you spend all day rejecting me…my instinct often drives me to want to reject you in return.  Perhaps these feelings are the very reason that I’m failing right now {and the reason that some of you are calling social services right now!} but this is also my reality right now and the feelings that are accompanying them.  I know that you are a child.  I know that you don’t understand what is happening right now.  I know that you are just trying to cope.  I know that it’s a phase you have to go through {or so I’m told countless times a day}.  But I also know that this knowledge doesn’t always make it easier for me.  It’s still hard.  It still hurts.  You are my only son…my little boy…and I miss you.  I miss the boy I used to know.

Sometimes I wonder if God made a mistake…if He meant for you to be entrusted to someone else…someone better.  I remember sitting in the bathtub, tears streaming down my face, as I confessed to your daddy the complete disappointment I felt in myself at being your mother…how you deserved more.  More patience.  More understanding.  More candy!  When I was pregnant with you, I felt confident in our days together.  I felt that for all of the things I had failed at in life…being your mother was something I would be good at…something I would thrive at.  And yet, here I am, being shown more and more my own fallibility…my own humility.

And so I do my best to remember.  To remember a time when the days weren’t so hard.  A time when you weren’t saving your smiles and laughter for someone else.  A time when my heart wasn’t breaking at each passing minute.  I hold on to these days in hopes that you will find your way back to me…that we will find our way back to each other.

And when that time comes {God willing…that time will come}…our tears will stop flooding our days.  And when that time comes…you will hopefully have forgiven me for all I have done and all that I will fail to do.  And when that time comes…hopefully I will have forgiven myself too.

I love you, my baby boy…

Photo courtesy of Danielle Lynn Photography.

We were supposed to get twenty centimeters of snow last night and knowing that made me simplistically grateful for my little snowflake moment because I knew that – had it been a few hours later – I probably wouldn’t have noticed it.  I would have gotten lost in the storm.  Blown away by the winds.  Never to be appreciated.

This week has been my first week “flying solo” with both kids.  Since the day that Avery was born there has been at least two…but usually three…and sometimes upwards of seven adults in our house at all times!  So while the kids may not have always been outnumbered…we have, at least, benefited from a level playing field!  Now, going on six weeks later, it’s just the three of us during the day, figuring out what our new routine is now that this pretty little addition has joined us!

Truthfully, I’m relieved to find that it’s not so bad!  I’ve spent months anticipating that my soul would be crushed under the weight of trying to juggle four people’s schedules, but I’m starting to be convinced that, as long as no one takes away my coffee, we might just all live to talk about it!!!  Having said that though…it’s busy!  Very busy!  Between feedings and naps and bath times and doctors appointments and bible studies and gym classes and client meetings {and and and…!!}, we are – essentially – living in our own little snow storm.  Throughout the course of the day, it can feel like flurries are blowing in a thousands different directions…conditions can be pretty messy…and like any snow storm, your visibility can easily get compromised…making it hard to see too far ahead.  But then, there’s also the moments when that most wonderful of snowflakes lands right in front of you and you have no choice but to just stop and enjoy its perfection.  Moments like reading in bed with Hudson at the end of the night…or watching the adorable faces that Avery makes while giving her a bath.  Because every storm comes to an end…every storm has a calm {ours usually arrives around 8pm each night!!}…and when all is said and done, every storm is actually made up of countless little pieces of unique perfection.  You just have to stop long enough to notice them.

And when all else fails {and heaven knows there will be days when everything epically fails!!}…I guess I’ll just put on some boots and mitts, and patiently wait for the storm to pass!!  It is winter, after all!

In the meantime…our little love turned a month old last week!  Already!  And I’m convinced that few things in life are sweeter than this Daddy and his daughter…

I love numbers!  Now, please don’t mistake this for loving math…because that’s simply not the case.  I just love the numbers…not the equations that can be solved with them!!

It all started the year that I met my husband.  He had just received a GPS for Christmas that year and I was training for my first full marathon.  I had expressed to him concern over the fact that I thought I kept over shooting my training runs and in turn, he let me take his GPS out for a little spin.  Well, upon my return {which happened to be exactly 22.47 kilometers later!}…I was hooked!  Ever since, I’ve been addicted to keeping a running tally of whatever I can.  Whether it be my training, the mileage on our car or the number of inches that our son grows every month…I just can’t get enough of it!

So it seems needless to say that Google Analytics and I are dear, dear friends!  Truthfully, the stats for my blog and site are something that Steve tends to take care of {you know, it falls under the “other related duties” portion of the husband contract!!} but I do glance every now and then in order to keep tabs on what our visitors are doing.  Yesterday though, I decided to spend a bit more time looking at what the numbers had to say about the past year; who you are…where you’re from…and finally, what you read.  Truthfully, it was fascinating!  I found out that I have some pretty regular visitors from Kazakhstan {who knew?!?!}…that I can be found by Googling “red stripped wool socks” {did you find what you were looking for?!?}…and best of all, that I have the best readers in the world!  In fact, you’re so loyal that more than 53% of you keep coming back, time and time again!  Thank you!  A million times over…thank you!

What I had the most fun uncovering though, was the top read posts of the year.  And the results were humbling.  Some were expected.  Others were surprising.  But all of them reminded me of just how much I love what I  do every day…and sharing it all with you!

Here is what you, my beloved readers, loved most about two thousand and eleven…

5. Jessica & Pierre: Engagement
Love.  Romance.  Magic.  Passion.  These are all the greatest elements of my job.  I think, as a photographer, you always do your very best to portray the essence of a couple in love…but every now and then, you find yourself with a couple that does all of the work for you!!!  Jessica and Pierre were that couple from the moment that they stepped in front of my camera.  They are love and romance and magic and passion.  And clearly you guys thought so too!!  They were so great, in fact, that they even brought the most fantastic evening light along with them!  Mmmm…love!

4. Holly & Jeff: Wedding
It was my last local wedding of the year and Mother Nature made sure that we were up for the challenge!  With rain, snow, dark clouds, and freezing winds…we endured the elements to celebrate Holly and Jeff’s amazing wedding day!  But most of all…we laughed!  Just like we did on the night we first met and just like we did when we shot their engagement session.  Because Holly and Jeff are two of the funnest people you’ll ever meet and they even make standing in the freezing cold, wearing nothing but wedding attire, look easy!

3. Life Before Death
Taking this next set of images was perhaps one of my most moving experiences as a photographer and I couldn’t be happier that all of you appreciated it just as much.  I can still barely look at them without crying!  When I first posted about the idea of photographing a birth, I really had no idea that it would change me as much as it did.  I also had no idea that I would become even more smitten with this couple than I already was {who also happen to be the very first couple to hire me as their wedding photographer}!  I love them.  I love these pictures.  I love that I found out I was pregnant with Avery four days later!

2. Lindsay & Brad: Engagement
Okay…so this one was certainly no surprise given that you simply couldn’t get enough of these two!  Once I posted a teaser on facebook, you were hounding me for days to see the rest!!!  Those eyes…that dock…those kisses.  Gah!  It was almost too much for even me to handle!!!  On top of that, I had the tremendous honour of having them featured on The Blueberry Wedding Blog, which brought a perfect end to a perfect summer!  Lindsay and Brad…you were a hit!!

1. Saying Goodbye
I had to sit down and think about this one for a moment.  I had to reflect.  I had to wonder.  There is an irony to the fact that the number one top viewed post of the year was a post that didn’t even include a picture.  Instead, it was simply words.  Words about loss…about death…about heartbreak.  In early May, our friends endured the very tragic and unexpected death of their sixteen month old son.  I was playing with Hudson in the park when I got the call and I nearly dropped the phone when I heard the news.  The impact of this loss hit many of us in such intense and indescribable ways.  Worst of all, was the helpless feeling of witnessing.  There was really nothing that we could do but to wait and watch as the pain slowly encompassed us all.  And it was awful.  And so I wrote.  I just sat down at my computer and did the only thing that I really know how to do.  I wrote.  And then the emails started coming in.  They flooded in actually.  In overwhelming numbers.  From friends.  From family.  From people that knew our friends.  From people that didn’t know any of us at all.  People clearly needed to talk…to share…to grieve.  You obviously ached with all of us…even if it wasn’t your loss.  And I’ve never been more grateful for all of you than I was throughout that time because you genuinely helped.  You listened.  You healed…

And so to you, dear readers…thank you!  For all that you are and all that you’ve done to bring my dream to life…I raise a glass to you more often than you know!

- Gen xoxo

A few years ago – before I was a parent or a full-time photographer – I was sitting on a bench outside of my office waiting for Steve to come and pick me up after work.  It had been a depressingly dark and damp Wednesday afternoon.  The bench that I was sitting on was marble and cold, with little drops of rain dripping from the underside.  I had been having a really difficult time that day and felt plagued with troubles that I simply couldn’t figure out.  Questions about my work…questions about my contribution…questions about my life.  It was hard and discouraging and I clearly remember the heavy burden that I felt from trying to tackle all of these questions at once.

The next evening – right around the same time – Steve and I had been sitting in our bed, laughing and catching up on our day together.  There was a warm spring breeze coming in from the open window in our bedroom and the day as a whole looked very different than the one I had endured twenty-four hours earlier.  Not more than ten minutes later though, it turned into the scariest day of my life.  One of the worst.  One that I wanted so badly to forget.

As we endured the flood of emotions that soon followed, one of the things that I remember most was the desire for it to be yesterday again.  I would have given anything for it to be yesterday again…anything to be sitting on that bench again.  Basically, I would have given anything for my problems of yesterday to be my problems of today.  Sitting there, at the bottom of our stairs, curled up in a ball in tears, made me realize just how much our problems are relative…how much they are actually manageable once put into perspective.  And so I wanted yesterday back.  I wanted those problems back because those problems – once put into my split second change of mind set – were actually the subtle beauties of life…the challenges that bring us growth, maturity and wisdom.

I was remembering once again the “problems of yesterday” as I was sitting with Hudson in his room around four o’clock this morning…

Our son has fallen completely in love with his little sister!  He simply cannot get enough of her and has become the most adoring of big brothers over the past month.  He is, however, still struggling with the adjustment in his own way.  Most of which being at night.  Our little all-star sleeper hasn’t made it through the night once since the day we brought Avery home from the hospital.  Instead, he shuffles down the hallway at all hours of the night wanting to crawl into bed with us {bless his heart}.  Sometimes this happens once or twice a night…other times {like last night}, it happens seven or eight times a night.  Throw in the mix a couple of feedings for our little lady and it can make for some pretty blurry day time hours!  It also makes perspective a little harder to maintain at times since I’m convinced that chronic fatigue is the death of all sanity!

And so, in the wee hours of the night…when it feels like I may never sleep for more than an hour at a time ever again…instead of wishing away that terrifying night in our lives so many years ago…I try to compassionately remember the yesterday.  In fact, in some ways, I’m almost grateful for that life changing moment because it reminds me that – given the choice – I would effortlessly choose the challenge of comforting my children in the middle of the night over any number of life’s more ravaging turn of events.  And it makes it easier.  In some instances, it even makes it beautiful {groggy and exhausting, yes…but still beautiful!} because there are, most definitely, many worse things in life than watching the snow fall on your deserted street at three in the morning with your baby curled up on your lap.  There are worse things than being needed.  There are worse things than the sleep deprivation that comes with the two amazing little people that sleep {or don’t sleep!} at the end of your hallway!

There is always something worse than what you thought was yesterday’s problems…

Photo credit: Ewan Phelan, The Last Forty Percent Photography, www.lastfortypercent.com

Apparently, when it comes to day-to-day life, Mothers and Fathers report lower levels of happiness then our childless counterparts due to factors such as sleep deprivation, a lack of control over our daily routines and the obvious “joy kill” of coping with endlessly challenging toddlers and/or teenagers.  Okay, so not exactly the glimmer of sunshine that one hopes to read after just having had a baby!!  But nonetheless…food for thought!

Now, having said all of that, this study also states that at the end of the day {aka. ones life} parents report much higher levels of overall purpose, fulfillment and yes…happiness.  Better yet though, not only are parents actually happy but, we reportedly share a very unique type of happiness.  We share something called Fog Happiness; a kind of happiness that is almost elusive because we are so caught up in it that we don’t really notice it.  All of those testing of limits, cheerios on the floor and sleepless nights?  Believe it or not, they are apparently the perpetual fog that we, as parents, find ourselves living in!  Completely surrounded…encompassed…engulfed in the day-to-day tasks that is raising children only to realize after the fact that we did actually enjoy ourselves!

I bring all of this up because the new year is just around the corner.  2012 patiently awaits our reflections and resolutions, and when I stop to consider what the predominant theme of the new year will be for me…parenting stands out in big, bold letters {maybe even with a neon lights flashing around it!}!  With our daughter being a mere three weeks old yesterday, the next year {or at least the first part of it} will be spent learning how to be a parent of two…learning how to juggle needs and careers and most of all, learning how to enjoy all of the little steps along the way.

Truthfully {and this may sound like an incredibly odd statement to make…}, I’ve actually enjoyed parenting far more than I thought I would!  While I was always very excited to be a parent, I found myself surprised by how much I didn’t mind getting up in the middle of the night or constant routine that comes with having young children.  In my own way, I seemed to have thrived right along with them!  I love play dates, after dinner bath time, and waking up to glorious faces that smile back at me each morning.  Of course, the flip side to that {and it’s a huge flip side!} is that nothing has tested my patience, endurance or self-esteem more than being a parent!  Fewer things have chipped away at the shell of my former self the way raising my son has.  There was a time when I thought that this was a bad thing…as though I was losing myself to parenting.  But recently I realized that the more my old self broke apart…the more it made room for my new self to break through.  Or rather, to shine through.  And it was a new self that I didn’t even know I wanted until I started to see little glimmers of it in the distance.

I spent a good chunk of yesterday morning sitting by myself in Starbucks, drinking my coffee and spending some much overdue time writing in my journal.  I wrote about my intentions for the new year…my intentions as a parent and the new self that comes along with it.  Ultimately, I concluded that my goal is to – somehow – find a way to not only be in the fog…but to see the fog.  To be able to step back from time to time and marvel at the magical beauty that fog bestows on the world.

It is, after all, a new year.  A new start.  A new chance to be the person that you’ve always wanted to be…a person who isn’t lost in the fog…but finds comfort in its surrounding nature.

Happy new year, my dear friends!  Enjoy the magic…

{thank you to google for the image…though I apologize for not having proper photo credit as it wasn’t provided}

Here we are…the night before Christmas!

As I write this, Avery is dozing to sleep on my lap; Hudson is playing with his grandma; Steve is enjoying a moment of solitude in our bedroom and Christmas carols are resonating throughout the house.  All in all, peace is permeating our home right now.  And hopefully yours as well.

It’s been an amazing two weeks for us in the Smyth house.  It’s been an amazing twelve months actually but the last two weeks in particular – the first two weeks with our daugther – has been the very essence of what Christmas is really about.  We’ve enjoyed the gift of health, happiness, family and friends.  We’ve enjoyed the Christmas spirit in its purest form.

Of course, we’ve also managed to mix in some tree trimming, some gingerbread house making and some excessive holiday baking.  But it is only fair…if I’m going to get up countless times in the night to feed my beautiful newborn…then it only makes sense that I should have the proper baked good to get me through the long dark hours!!!  I’m pretty sure that Santa would want it that way!!

But now it’s time for a little break.  A Christmas break.  It’s time for some decadent hot chocolate made on the stove…some board games to be pulled out of retirement and some serious joy to be had as we watch our son discover Christmas for the first time as a toddler {he feels the need to go and “check in” on his tree ornaments every day…just to make sure they are right where he left them!!!}.  It’s time for a little rest and relaxation and soaking in the magic of it all.

So, from our family to yours, we wish you the loveliest of holidays.  We hope that it’s filled with loved ones, more holiday movies than you can handle and a slight overdose on all things chocolate!

Merry Christmas everyone…may your love keep you warm…

It was one of those cemeteries that had evidently been there long before it’s surroundings and if you closed your eyes and stood very still, you could picture it’s original landscape, before the ravages of time took over and turned it into a lone piece of solitude among the concrete jungle of urban living.   It was the kind of cemetery that commanded respect because somehow it knew that it had been there far longer than any of us and would continue to do so for centuries to come.

Its large iron fence protected it from the world and I always remember the day that a teenage boy tried to climb over its locked gates; His foot ended up slipping on the late night dew and he was left hanging on the fence, with one of the rough iron spokes piercing through the side of his cheek.  The image of him hanging there was etched into my mind as it made the cover of the newspaper the next morning.  Many of the local residents were appalled at the idea of showing such grotesque reality in our little ideal world but, to me, I saw it as a sign of punishment that the cemetery had handed out for ever thinking that it’s walls could be penetrated by the arrogance of adolescent supremacy.  They never did end up having to bury that boy in the cemetery, as he was lucky enough to survive, but teenagers everywhere grew cautious of its boundaries.  For all the limits that they would test during their years in no man’s land, the cemetery came as a reminder that there are some lines that simply can’t be crossed.

What I remember most about the cemetery, was the generations of life that seemed to be buried together.  On any given day, you could trace the steps of an entire family name through the etched markings on their gravestones.  Anywhere from thirty to fifty graves would trace over a century worth of history among people bound by blood.  And perhaps that’s what made it so special to us…it gave us the ability to glimpse at a history that we ourselves did not possess.

My Mom was adopted when she was just a young girl.  It’s a story that would make your heart break and it’s also a story best told by my Mother.  Every history means something different to every person but some truths remain no matter what.  And the reality of our truth was that – as far as heritage goes – I would never know the biological roots of my Mother’s family.  I could read about it or research it or look it up online.  But I would never know it.  I would never be able to tell stories about it or frame pictures about it or share family resemblances in it.

What we did have though was an amazing bunch of adoptive family that I would always grow to know as my own.  From my earliest memories of childhood, they were the best family a girl could ask for…loving, accepting, unconditional.  But it still never changed the fact that during our annual family pictures…my Mom and I always looked different than the others.  And certainly not that similar hair or eye colour matters in any significant way…seeing those pictures did always act as a reminder; a reminder that even with the innocence and naivety of my youth, I knew that gravestones would never tell the tale of our lives and no one would ever walk through a cemetery to find our collective history beneath their feet.

There is more to it than that though.  If the past thirty-three years has taught me anything…it’s that you don’t need history in order to create it.  You don’t need your family tree to be a towering oak in order to be strong.  You simply need it to have roots.

Last Friday morning, my daughter was born.

Avery Victoria Smyth came into the world at 11:10am and in that moment…she began to change everything.  She began to make the roots stronger.  Victoria {also my own middle name} is the name of the fiercely strong and independent woman that adopted my mother and in doing so, gave us the opportunity to create a history all our own.  Avery has my ears and my lips, and from what I can tell…my ruthless stubborn streak!  More importantly though, when the time comes to try to tie back her beautiful hair and the long strands inevitably fall in her face…I get to tell her that no amount of restraint can tame the likes of her dark mane that has been passed down by generations of women before her.

Because while history may have its place in the world and in our lives…it is nothing in comparison to the story that we are about to tell.

Welcome to the story Baby Avery…

I was putting Hudson to bed last night when I noticed how big he’s gotten.  I remember when he was just little and he used to comfortably fit – spread eagle – across a pillow on my lap.  Now, when I sit with him in his chair at night, his legs dangle over the edge and his fingers seem so much bigger wrapped around mine.  He still manages to curl up in tight little ball on my lap though and snuggle in until he dozes off…just like the first night we brought him home.

I’ve been putting Hudson to sleep a lot lately as I realize that his days as my only baby are coming to an end.  For nearly twenty-one months, it’s been just the three of us and very shortly we will no longer just watch Hudson grow as our little boy…but also as a big brother.  The elder sibling.  It’s kind of a strange feeling and I hope that I can remember all of the little details of these last few days.

We found out two weeks ago that our little girl is breech – which means that her head is tucked up by my ribs instead of being in the normal head down position necessary for child birth.  The doctors are suspecting that a lack of amniotic fluid has kept her from being able to turn on her own…and a lack of amniotic fluid is often a result of being dehydrated…and my dehydration is likely a result of having thrown up for six months straight!  So really, this just goes to show that our little lady – most definitely – feels the need to call the shots!!!

Despite being a rare candidate for attempting a breech delivery, we’ve spent the past two weeks trying everything from the Webster’s Technique to laying on a ironing board to performing an ECV {note: not the most delightful way to try and turn a baby!!} in an attempt to lure her into flipping.  In the end, we’ve achieved little more than concluding that she’s very happy right where she is!  So a breech delivery it was then {lucky me!}.

Being a candidate for a breech delivery though means being monitored fairly closely as there are four major qualifications that make you eligible and the moment one of them changes, then the decision to deliver naturally is no longer an option.  Well, just when we thought our baby girl had given us all the grief that she could throw at us…she went ahead this past Monday and changed her position in utero just enough to no longer make us appropriate candidates.

Okay…so long story short…what does this all mean?

It means that after much discussion with our doctor…tomorrow we are going to meet our daughter for the first time!  Tomorrow morning – while much of the world is still just waking up – I will be getting prepped in an operating room to have our baby delivered by elective c-section…the option of least resistance to both of us given her recent internal gymnastics.

Tomorrow is going to be our daughter’s birthday!

What a strange feeling to know when your baby is going to arrive!  To no longer have to anticipate labour or wonder when the big day will be.  What a strange feeling to plan for her arrival instead of reacting to it!  What a different experience from Hudson’s big day!

So with that…I will sign off for night and put my little man to bed one last time as my only child.  One last time as the only little munchkin in our lives.  One last time as my only experience being a mother.

And as for you, cyberspace…I’ll see you on the flip side!