A SONG SAYS IT ALL

“I wish I had a river…that I could skate away on…”  ~ Joni Mitchell

I was listening to that song on the day that I wrote my very first blog post.  It was a cold, snowy day back in 2005 and I was home sick from work.  I was sitting at my desk, looking out the window at the blustery weather and I remember feeling especially sad.  I don’t really know how a blog came into being from that day but every single time I hear that song, I remember that moment and that feeling as if it were yesterday.

As I sat down at my computer this morning on this cold and blustery day, I hit the itunes button on my dashboard and sure enough, River was the first song that started to play.  I also happen to be sitting here in my sweat pants, an over-sized hoodie and the worst sore throat that I’ve had in a long time!  I would call it a sick day but it has come to my attention that babies don’t really get the whole “sick day” thing!  So instead, I’ll call it the “chugging my venti Starbucks so that we both survive in one piece day”!!!

My flashback moment this morning made me realize just how much of my life is land marked by music and how nothing brings back stronger memories than a specific song; I remember what was playing on the radio when I first heard about 9/11 {Disarm by Smashing Pumpkins} and I remember the exact moment that my husband and I first heard the song that we would ultimately end up dancing to at our wedding {we were watching The O.C….Seth and Summer had just made up after a big fight…the song was Wonderwall by Ryan Adams!!}!  I remember what songs we were listening to in our camper as my mom and I drove across the country when I was a little girl {a cassette tape of the Carpenters…I.kid.you.not.}, and I remember exactly what song I was listening to when I stepped off the city bus for my first day working on Parliament Hill {In the End by Linkin Park} .  I remember so much of my life this way!  What I didn’t realize though, until just now – as I stare at the close to 300 cd sitting across from me, was just how much they reminded me of the men in my life!!  Apparently, when you ride the roller coaster of life that is dating…it requires the proper musical accompaniment!

Most woman possess various “parting gifts” from their past relationships…whether it be a favourite sweatshirt, a handful of photographs or in some cases, monumental battle scars from a war that was lost at the hands of time. In my case, without even realizing it, I securely stored the memories of my dating history in my music collection because, like Victor Hugo once said “Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent”. While the men in my life may have come and gone over the years, they have all left a significant imprint on my musical taste, which in turn, has resulted in a musical collection that has overcome the test of time…

My first serious boyfriend and I  were from different sides of the tracks and like all first relationships, it was all consuming. We started dating in high school and got into endless trouble for sneaking out of each other’s bedroom windows during all hours of the night.  Nothing made us feel more oppressed than being grounded from seeing each other! In a time when the alternative likes of Pearl Jam and Nirvana were first making their appearances, we were captured by the world of R&B and any other album that could remind you of just how lonely you really were {teenagers are so dramatic!!}!!! We listened to Lauren Hill before she became “miseducated” and chased waterfalls with TLC. While I haven’t purchased a R&B cd in over fifteen years, CrazySexyCool and The Fugees will not only bring me back to long adolescent nights in London, but will always remain two of the best albums of all time!

My first year of university was marked by numerous events; The death of Princess Diana, the great ice storm of 1998, my gorgeous French boyfriend and new albums by Oasis, Sarah McLachlan and U2.  We suffered from lust at first sight…which certainly wasn’t the worst condition to have when you are away from home for the first time!!! For the eight months of my first year, Mirrorball and Be Here Now could be heard throughout the halls of Thompson Residence.  The two of us lived nowhere other than the present. We were lost in each other and Big Shiny Tunes! It was hopeless from the very start!! Late nights in our new city, new friends, a coffee revolution and a heartbreaking crash when it all came to an end the following summer. It’s good to know that at least some things from my first year lasted!!

The summer of 1999 brought  my first true love and just like my life, it influenced my musical taste in a way that changed forever. This guy had a brilliant musical mind; he worked in the radio industry and was a phenomenal performer himself. He single handedly turned me into a concert junkie!! The summer that he walked into my life I not only fell in love for the first time but, I fell in love with rock music for the first time. Creed, Stone Temple Pilots, U2, Travis,  The Tea Party, Our Lady Peace, Staind, Smashing Pumpkins, Coldplay…oh let me count the ways!!! Even now, if I hear certain songs, I can picture him playing his guitar at the Elbow Room…his dark hair and the raspy voice that comes from too many years of smoking!!

However, like all great loves, when they come to an end, certain things become off limits during the treacherous time of recovery. In this case, most Ottawa landmarks and my love affair with rock music were among them!!!  I couldn’t even listen to Powderfinger for close to two years!

Once the pieces of my broken heart were glued back together and I opened my eyes again, I came across the tall and devastatingly handsome boy that worked down the hall. The charm, the smile and the eyes were enough to make anyone’s heart start beating again!! At the risk of sounding too much like Meredith Grey, he was my “non-boyfriend”…the guy that I never actually dated but still took me a year to get over!!! He had cast his curse of the perfect kiss on me and just like that…my cd collection grew once more!!!

Something about him reminded me of the ocean. He was a very free spirit that somehow, seemed so forbidden to me. The ocean is one of nature’s most spectacular creations but, it’s also a dangerous force to be reckoned with and simply isn’t meant to be tamed. With a foot here and a foot somewhere else, he reminded me of what it was like to stare deep into the crystal clear water…always thinking that you can see the bottom and never realizing just how deep really you are. Perhaps on the shores of the ocean it would have worked, but on the solid soil of land, I just found myself longing for someone that I couldn’t have. My time with him was short lived but, the soundtracks to The Beach and Blue Crush were not.

Then, of course, there is the single man that simply can’t be compared; the one that managed to pull me out of the chaos and love me despite all of my musical taste!! The soundtrack of my marriage isn’t a musical accompaniment to devastating last words or the background music of our first meeting. Rather, it’s burned onto a pile of cds in our car as commemorations of every road trip we’ve taken together. Much of our relationship has been spent behind the wheel of a car and much like driving, our relationship entails the two of us, side by side, looking ahead in the same direction. Unlike my past relationships, my marriage is always in motion. We are constantly on the road because we simply feel no need to stand still. Life is about growing and discovering and for the first time, I haven’t had to choose one over the other. Whether on the coast of the Hawaiian Islands, our adventure to Australia, our European getaway or the South-Western Ontario highways back home, we always have our favourite road trip songs in tow; Linkin Park, Chevell, Sensefield, Mobile, Lifehouse, Eddie Veder, Blue Rodeo, Lenny Kravitz, 3 Doors Down…and anything else worthy of being blared out of the car windows with our luggage in the trunk!! When the sun setting on the horizon leaves us without any more words…there is always the music.

Like the books on my shelves and the photos in my albums, my music collection is like a road map of my life, indicating where I’ve been and whom I traveled with along the way. I can trace back the days of long stretches in the back country and the random detours of poor judgment.  And when there wasn’t butterflies in my stomach or a date to be had…there was David Usher, John Mayer, Raine Maida, Aaron Lewis, Dave Matthews and many other beautiful boys to sing me to sleep. After all, until I found the perfect man, I would have the perfect cd collection!!